Happy Birthday Daddy

One of daddy's favorite singers, he sang this song on the way to Idaho, nine days before his passing on the 11th.  Goodbye Daddy, Thank you.

Our last day

Eventually his body starting shutting down, his kidneys, liver, all internal organs, his breathing was getting harder and now he was on oxygen always.  Doctors were still not telling us everything.  We knew something wasn't right, even by now daddy knew it was near the end.  We decided to ask the nurse straight out what was going on.  She was great, she brought the doctor in and told us it would be only hours now, maybe 24, maybe 2.  We wanted to know what to expect.  Now it was time to ask him what he wanted.  He had told us pretty much a lot during the past few months, but we needed the little details, and we got it all down.  Then he talked to all of us; he wasn't scared and not to worry he would be okay, told us he loved us and we were the best kids he could ever have wanted, and to be sure we took care of our families and he reminded us; "make sure you take care of your momma."  He told us this couple of times and we promised it was not even a question.  Than he smiled, closed his eyes... and we waited. 

Around 5am, daddy took his oxygen mask off, told us he was tired and he was gone within ten minutes.  It was the longest ten minutes I have ever experienced.  I sat there in the chair waiting, I would never hear daddy tells us his funny stories, shake his head because we did something dumb, or laugh because we told some joke, again and again.  Never again would he tell us while he was eating a subway sandwich, that he could feel the pounds peel off, or about how he never had Christmas presents as a young boy, that's why they had tamales; so they would have something to unwrap.  Or, what about how when he grew up, he had a different fork every time he ate some of his food; tortillas.  He would never again be there for the grandkids baseball games, football games, award ceremonies, piano recitals, graduations, and all the family bar-b-ques or parties we had.  He love to party, he loved to eat and drink, but most of all he loved his family ... and we loved him with everything we could give because he gave us twice back. 

Now I visit him at the cemetery where his stone has a picture of momma and daddy on their wedding day, a forest scene on the bottom, and teddy there sitting with daddy. 

We love you daddy, and miss you every day, but you’re in our hearts.... forever.

September 2009 Porterville Filipino Reunion

August 23, 2009 Birthday

June 1978 BBQ at Tulare Union

Pepsi-Cola 1974

8/9 Years Old

15-18 years old

Valley Cruiser BBQ 198??

Fresno State Graduation BBQ May 22, 2010

Thanksgiving 2009

Idaho July 4, 2010

Our last Christmas w/Daddy at  my house 2009

January 1960

My Hero

Daddy was our hero, when we were little he would work sometimes three jobs; Pepsi, selling vacuum cleaners, and a hamburger shop, but when he was home it was our time.  Momma would tell us, "daddy's home" and we would run and jump on him, get his paper, his slippers and sit around him on his chair.  If it was during the day he would take us to Maple school to fly kites, play paddle ball or get sick while turning us on the merry-go-around and sometimes take day rides to Yosemite, Hume Lake, Huntington Lake or Pismo.  That was something because he would get car sick, boat sick, plane sick, and sick turning us on the merry-go-around. 

Daddy rarely yelled but when he asked something of us we didn't respond with a "what" or "wait" or "I know."  It was understood and expected, because he gave more than we gave back and in our hearts we knew no matter what he would be there for us.  He always stressed that when it came right down to it, family would always be there for you, you didn't question it but you did it because it's family and that's what family does.

Now my hero was dying and there was nothing I could do about it, for the past year I have seen him change from the strong and strong-willed man who always had control of his life choices and little by little having to give some of that control to us.  It was hard for him.  He could no longer fix the car (mustang) he loved, mow and maintain his yard, enjoy his food, or drive to wherever he felt like. 

I remember that last day I sat near his bed watching him, his skin was darker now from the chemo, his face was thin and his nose sharpened by the weight loss.  I didn't want him to leave but he was in so much pain and told us the day before it was okay, he was okay, he wasn't scared and ready.  I was scared but he wasn't.

I miss him every day, I keep thinking it will get better, and there are those days it does, but then something will happen in my life or my sisters, mom's or brothers and I'll want to pick up the phone and ask him what should we do or just stop by to say hi and visit for awhile and remember what's important, I think we all need that sometime, I know I do.  He was mommas rock and sometimes we leaned on him to much, but he was okay with that.

Reno

We finally made it to Reno but daddy was insistent to have dinner with the kids first, get the hotel room and he'd go in the morning after breakfast.  Stubborn.  Another rough night but we made it to breakfast and he promised we could take him right after.  The hospital was about two blocks away and it specialized in cancer patients.   Me and badoll went with him to the hospital and we would call Christina as soon as we knew to bring momma and everyone else. 

Daddy was in his wheelchair sitting straight and coherent, he was determine not to get any pity, while Badoll was with him on the side the ER desk was asking questions and I waited till he was out of earshot before I just started crying and telling her, please you have to help him, he hasn't eaten, he has trouble breathing and he has stage 4 kidney cancer.  They took him right away, within the hour he was in a room and we were all there except Gabe.  It was time to call him, he knew he was sick but now it was urgent.  The doctors were still optimistic but in our hearts we knew once they said pneumonia this was it.  I called Gabe and he was on the road, he would be there late evening, he was going to cut across Tehachapi to Reno.

They gave him some medication to relax him so he could rest but he had an allergic reaction and began to flail and try to get out of bed, it was the hardest thing but we were forced to have him restraint for his safety.  Then there were x-rays of the chest, the pneumonia was in one lung and it was a wait and see to see if it moved to his other lung. 

Finally, Winnemucca!

When we got to Winnemucca we all had to gas up.  Looking around town it was the worse, there were two crooks who tried to steal gas from Badoll.  Then they came around the car and daddy was convinced they were trying to steal something from us and the hospital was more like a outpatient free clinic than a hospital.  We decided that it would better to risk driving the additional two and half hours to Reno.  By now we knew the kids were hungry but we needed to get to Reno and they said they could wait.

I talk to daddy and told him we were going to Reno they have a better hospital there.  He agreed, but also said that as soon as we get there the kids need to eat and he wanted to take them to a buffet at the Circus Circus.  Alright, by now I was agreeing to anything just to get him to work with us on getting him to Reno.  Plus he was right they were hungry. 

The trip home

We started by 9am on Monday, July 5, 2011.  The night before was rough but we were ready for the long ride.  We talk to the kids and told them we were going to try to drive straight through, other than stopping for gas we were'nt stopping.  We needed to make it to Reno, daddy was getting worse.  He was disorented, then there were those times when he knew the exact place to turn, the exact freeway or if we were driving to fast.  During the drive it was me driving, daddy passenger, and momma and priscilla in the back seat.  I wanted to keep daddy alert so I would talk to him about past history and ask questions about grandpa and grandma.  Daddy was freezing, it was hot, in the middle of the desert and we had to keep the heater on high because he was so cold.  I would turn the heater on then open the back windows on low for momma and Priscilla because he always noticed if they were any lower.

We were driving for three hours when the oxygen ran out and we had to pull into a abandoned gas station to remove the tubing and put the tank in the back.  It was kind of funny because when we pulled over, others cars pulled in thinking it was an open gas station.  Now we were really worried because there was no oxygen and daddy's breathing was labored.  We were nowhere near a functioning town. 

Twenty minutes later we pulled out, the kids were great, they didn't complain at all.  Did there bathroom breaks, got their drinks and off we were again.  Now it was a long stretch of highway and daddy's eyes were getting worse plus the itching.  I gave him some benandryl and when he drank the water he started choking and stopped breathing,  I started screaming and hitting daddy on the chest, "daddy not now, not now!" while pulling over to the side, then Gadiel pulled behind me, then Badoll.  Daddy caught his breath and ordered to get back on the road.  We never had a chance to get off the car, I pulled out, then Gadiel, then Badoll.

An hour later we were at a regular gas station with restrooms, got off for a bathroom break, including daddy, drinks, and a quick meeting on where we were at and how much farther.  We decided we would try Winnemucca which was about another two hours away, maybe they would have a decent hospital.

Leaving Early

Everyone asked if I could talk to daddy, he needed to get to the hospital soon and maybe he would listen to me.  I asked him on Monday, "Please daddy we need to take you home" he agreed without any argument.  Said he was ready but he still wanted to take the kids to Reno. I was more concerned about getting him to a good hospital, we were way up in Idaho and the closest big hospital was Reno.  Boise was nearer but that would be going farther up north and that wouldn't work.  He didn't want it.  By this time daddy had a hard time breathing and couldn't stand for longer than a minute.  It was usually just from the chair to the car or bathroom.  He didn't get off the wheel chair otherwise.  It was surreal, our daddy was going to die but not at home.  We were'nt even close to home.  Everybody says we shouldn't have went to Idaho but he wanted it so bad and had been talking about it for over a year, it was important to US we give him this last wish.

We get packed quickly, Aunt Alex said don't worry about cleaning, although we tried to do it all quickly, and luckily she had some oxygen left in a tank from her asthma medical problems.  She hooked daddy up, said goodbye. I think she knew she wouldn't see him again.  It was good he got to see all his sibling before he was gone.  He saw Aunt Connie and Uncle Pat, Aunt Mary, Aunt Alex and Uncle Julian and Peter and Uncle Juans brother and wife.  Plus his neice Rosie and Florentino.  He saw Uncle Jessie, Uncle Leo, and Aunt Vera in Reno, Plus Aunt Lupe a week before in Tulare. 

It was good, but now the ride back was starting.

While in Idaho

We could see it was near - the first night we asked, pretty much demanded that he rest.  It had been a long day with the ride (16 hours), and settling in for the night that we knew he was tired but at the same time he wanted to be with everyone like he use to be able to do.  Anyway, me, Badoll, Peter, and Uncle wheeled him down to the trailer and while rolling down he asked where momma was, we told him she was going to stay up a while more visiting, and he yelled, "nope take me back," then began to sing the song "Volver, Volver."  He wanted to party till the end. 

When we finally all got to the trailer daddy began to hallucinate and was very restless, he would rest for about 10 minutes then jump up disoriented about where he was at.  He would periodically speak in Spanish and during this time Badoll would sit with him and then I would sit with him. 

Finally, it's morning and we're telling him we should go home, but no he was insistent that we take the kids around the area to see the trout farm, moose, lake, town, plus we were going to Aunt and Uncle's renewal of their vows in town.  Daddy decided to stay home and Uncle Juan's brother and wife were there and they would stay with him while we were gone.  It's Saturday and we knew it would be another long night for daddy.  He had a good time though, sitting on the porch, there was food, family and visiting.  He didn't eat much but he enjoyed sitting on the deck looking out for deer and bears.

1 year later

Today is one year since daddy's death and sometimes it still feels surreal.  I keep thinking I'll drive up to the house and he'll either be outside people watching or inside watching Judge Judy and all those people.  He love to watch those court shows, court tv, and CNN news all....day...   We miss you daddy, miss your quick wit that the grandkids inheritied and the patience we all try to instill in them, and the apathy of others we try to practice.  Thank you daddy.

Changes

For the past three weeks daddy's legs had gotten swollen and the skin really tight.  They also had a shine and a discoloring to them.  When we would take him to the doctor it was water retention but what daddy didn't tell us was that they were also in a lot of pain.  His walking was becoming slower and when one of us would take him to the doctor's he would sit down then one of us (sometimes even Samuel) would have to lift his legs into the car.  Daddy figured that once the chemo was done his legs would get better.  They had just told him that it look like the chemo was working and he may go into remission.  We were excited about this prognosis.

Winnemucca

We were on the road by 530am and our first stop would be a bathroom stop before Reno then we would stop in Winnemucca at a park outside of town for lunch.  Daddy knew the rest stop and where the park was, even momma was giving directions by this time.  In the morning while packing we took the walker and wheelchair for daddy.  He insisted he didn't need the wheelchair but we snuck it in to the back of Badoll's truck anyway, just in case.  When we got to the park at Winnemucca we unloaded all the lunch food and drinks and daddy got off the car but by now had to use the walker all the time.  I remember we were all set-up and daddy had to go to the restroom and we were all sitting down to eat.  When he came out he asked us if there was an earthquake because the bathroom shook, or maybe one of the kids was hitting the walls.  We just laughed and didn't think anything of it.  It was not till after when we research the signs of pneumonia did we see that one of the first signs was the body shaking.  We had no idea, maybe daddy did but didn't tell us.  Anyway after lunch he started back to the car with the walker and as he was getting in he almost fell over and caught himself in time with the door.  We were up the hill watching, "helpless" a feeling we would have for the rest of the trip.  Back into the car to our next stop, only after Winnemucca there is a big spread of nowhere!  We were literally in the middle of nowhere for about two hours.  No phone receptionm, gas stations, people.  There was nothing.  Again we stopped somewhere in Oregon for gas, daddy seemed alright, a little tired and quiet but still eating and alert.

On our Way

We again asked daddy the night before we left, July 1, 2010, "are you sure daddy, we can still cancel?"  No, I'll be up at 4am so we can leave by 5am.  He had calculated how many times we would stop and where and how many hours it would take for us to get to Aunt Alex's.  He caluculated that we should be there by 7 to 8pm that evening.  Badoll was travelling in her truck and needed to stop by my house to pick up some things from my house first then we would follow each other to mommas.  It was Badoll, Carlos, Adrianne, Priscilla, and Issac.  David had to work so it would be me, Esther and Samuel, and the night before I picked up momma and daddy's Chrsyler 300, I would be driving their car.  Badoll had four crates of peaches and nectarines to take plus all the clothes and other necessities.  We followed each other to momma and daddy's and drove up at 4am!  Daddy was already dressed packed and waiting for us outside sitting in the chair, waiting.  Sighing up a storm because momma, of course, was inside still packing her humungous bags/suitcases.  We almost couldn't fit all her bags.  Maria was staying at the house to watch their house and new dog Toby.  We were planning to leave July 2 and be back on the 7th.  We figured one day travel over, three days at Aunties, and one day at Reno, and one day travel back.  The seating arrangements were me driving, daddy passenger, and momma and Priscilla in the back.  In Badolls, it was Badoll and all the other kids, and we were meeting Christina, Gadiel and kids at Kleins on Herndon and 99.  Where again the seating was mixed again, Christina had Ellissa, Samuel, and Issac.  Badoll had Carlos, Adrianne, Bethany, and Esther.  We were set and our way.

Sunflowers

Daddy loved sunflowers, when Esther was a baby he would sing to her,

"You Are My Sunshine

My only sunshine.

You make me happy

When skies are grey.

You'll never know, dear,

How much I love you.

Please don't take my sunshine away"

That's what the kids meant to him.....

Idaho

I don't remember much about coming home from Idaho when I was eleven but I sure remember the trip in July 2010.  We kept talking to daddy about postponing the trip or cancelling but he was insistent and momma was better and actually excited about it (although she doesn't remember that now).  I think momma was just excited about getting out but still felt like the rest of us, that it wasn't a good idea for daddy to travel.  The past few weeks he wasn't able to drive or do as much as he use to.  One day he had decided he was going to get the mustang ready for a car show so he pushed the car out of the garage and decided he was going to change the spark plugs.  He placed a chair next to the mustang and tried to remove the spark plugs in the car but his hands weren't able to get into those tight spots and he didn't have the mobility like he did before.  I drove up and you could tell he was getting fustrated and angrier by the minute.  Momma was at the door when I walked in and told me that it was hard watching daddy because she knew he was getting upset about it.  It was just the whole thing.  His right arm had no more mobility.  His hands were swollen and he had no strength or energy to do what he wanted and that made him sad and quieter by the day.  The only thing that gave him any excitement was the trip to Idaho.  I think we knew it wasn't too much longer so we just went along with it.  We also figured that if this was it, we were going to do whatever it was he wanted most right now, and that was taking us to Idaho and giving the grandkids the memory.  I know this because on the last day before we left Idaho the kids were playing by the river and I was standing next to daddy while he was in the wheelchair and he asked me, "do you think they'll remember this trip?"  I remember what I told him verbatim, "yea daddy, they'll never forget this time, except for Issac because he's only five, but all the rest of the kids will remember it always daddy."  He just gave a big grin and kept watching the kids.  That's when I figured out why he wanted this so bad.  He knew, I don't think he knew he wouldn't make it back, but he knew he wouldn't be too much longer.

Teddy

I forgot, but momma and daddy had this big hairy fluffy dog, Teddy.  He was a bearded collie and the most loyal dog you can ever know.  He was daddy's dog and daddy wasn't a big dog person.  It's important to mention because during the time daddy got sick, we didn't know, but Teddy had also gotten cancer.  We didn't know it at the time but he was in a lot of pain.  When daddy got out of surgery he would stand in front of daddy while he was getting out of bed and in the bathroom so that he could hold on to or stop him from falling.  He also use to do the same thing for momma when she went to the restroom or walk around the house.  he was so tall and had this large wide flat back that they could lean onto.  Anyway, soon after daddy got out from his kidney surgery, Teddy wasn't doing too good, by now he was 13 years old.  They took him to the vet and found out he had cancer and probably for a while.  We always felt Teddy stayed alive as long as he could to take care of them.  About three weeks after daddy got out, momma and daddy had decided we could take him to SPCA to put him to sleep, so we all went to the house.  Momma and daddy couldn't do it, too hard, so Gadiel and Maria carried Teddy into the car (by now he couldn't walk anymore), I drove, Christina passenger, and Maria in back with Teddy laying his head on her.  On the Way he took this big breath and then he was gone.  We all heard it and pretty much knew what it meant, but it was confirmed when Maria yelled, "Stupid dog" and started to cry.  We were not more than a mile from the house.  We called daddy and momma and told them.  Daddy missed him a lot and always talked about him til he was gone.  We have Teddy engraved on the stone with a forest background.

Graduation 2010

Me and Chris had finally finished school at Fresno State and could march in May 2010.  Christina kept saying she wasn't going to walk but Gabriel said walk and I'll pay for a BBQ - It is a big deal and we should celebrate it!  So it was set-up, we invited the aunts and uncles and our godparents to the celebration at Christina's house.  There were two ceremonies, the smaller one with our department and then the large one in the Save-Mart Center for the whole 2010 graduating class, it was huge.  When we went to the smaller one momma and daddy went to the luncheon then the ceremony in the department smaller one in the Save-Mart Center.  Today daddy was just wearing regular clothes but he had his suit cleaned and him and momma were ready for the big one the next day. 

It's finally Saturday May 22, 2010 and daddy and momma were dressed.  It was hard because we had momma in a wheelchair and daddy in his suit that one year ago he was squeezing into and now he could drown in the suit it was so big on him but he was determined to go dressed to the graduation.  We were on the bottom and they were all there watching.  We finally found them on the top bottom level set-up for handicap.  It was hard when they had asked everyone to stand for the anthem and daddy could barely rise but he got up and stayed up during the whole song.  Then later he got up again when they asked all the parents of the graduates to rise and honor their accomplishments.  Me and Christina were watching and crying as daddy stood up with all the others, very proud, of his two new graduates.

Later at the BBQ he made a speech to the four of us telling us how proud he was to be our father and proud that all of his children have done very well, for himself, he said he always regretted he never finished school and happy that he could see all his children finish.  It was a big day for all of us.

Snowmobiling

We actually only stayed about four or five days.  It was travel one day over and one day back.  Today is the last day before we head back home.  We were having fun playing in the snow, I don't think I've seen as much snow since that time.  This last time we went to Idaho, it was in July so there was no snow and the rivers were not as high, plus we didn't have to go as far up north as before.

Aunt and Uncle has some land across the street that was a little flatter with less trees and this is where we rode snowmobiles for the first time.  Snowmobiles only have the gas and brake, no gear changing.  Kind of like go-carts which we had already had experience with since daddy use to build and race them a few years before.

It's my turn to ride so I get in front, but daddy is going to sit in the back and ride with me.  The gas was on the right handbar and for some reason just as daddy was getting ready to sit down behind me, I hit the gas, which scared the *&!@ out of me because it almost lifted in the front and took off, so I let go of the handlebar and stop.  But when I turn around daddy is standing with his knees bent, crouched like he was sitting on a horse with this stunned smile.  We just all started laughing and I rode back and started riding the snowmobile on my own.  It was fun and funny.

Doctor Meeting

A week before mother's day 2010, me, Badoll, and Chris meet with momma's doctor.  He was the one who prescribed the feeding tube and also kept insisting that we seriously think about putting her in convalescence.  Since that wasn't an option we needed to take control of the situation.  After meeting him we found out that she was taking some medication for nerve damage on her neck and back.  It wouldn't have been a bad thing but her body was not reacting good to the medication and was curbing her appetite and changing her disposition.  We decided to clear out everything with the doctor's approval, except for medications that were necessary for her heart, stomache, and pain.  Boy...was she mad at us.  Momma like everyone else, does not like having control of her decisions, and we went behind her back.  Mother's day was a bear but a week later she was eating and getting back to the momma we knew, and just in time for our Graduation two weeks later.

It was a hard decision at the time and tough for us to stand our ground, but in the long run it has helped alot since soon after, daddy passed, and if we didn't do it before she might not be here with us today driving around in her little blue bug. 

Plus, during these past few months, daddy would remind us and get reassurance about still going to Idaho.  "Don't forget we're going to Idaho in July."  Now that momma was better again, the trip was definitely going to happen now and there was nothing we could do to stop daddy from planning it now.

To the Rescue!

When Aunt and Uncle figured out we weren't behind them, they backtracked and found us stranded on the side of the road.  Because they were already familiar with the area and weather conditions Uncle knew right away what to do.  Uncle jumped on the back of the bumper and started bouncing it while daddy drove the truck forward because by this time the truck was also stuck in the ice and needed some traction to get going forward again.  But, the ferry had stopped crossing and we needed to find a place to sleep.

Few funny happenings during this time;  while they were taking care of the truck, grandpa got off the truck and decided he could walk across with daddy and Uncle, but he started sliding around, and grandma is in the car yelling out, "viejo!!" it was just one of the funniest scenes, because then, at the same time, we are all in the station wagon and we could hear this rattling and we are all looking around because we couldn't figure out where it was coming from, finally grandma, said, "it's me, my knees" she has something between her knees and it was so cold her legs were shaking and making the rattling noise against this.  We just all starting busting up, it kind of broke the ice.

End of day - we found a cabin with a couple of rooms, some blankets, but we only ate some sliced bread and something else, I don't remember.  During this time, all the stores closed early and we weren't able to buy anything to eat, but the good news is, that in Canada it you stay 24 hours you can buy liquor and cross the border with it ...WooHoo!! Daddy stocked-up and bought some for gifts, I think he bought most because they came in these really decorative bottles.  Then we ate and cross the ferry back to Bonners Ferry for another day.

Exhaustion!

We were exhausted.  By this time I was at the house two, three times a day, along with Badoll on the way home from work and sometimes before, and Christina in the morning and sometimes evenings.  There were appointments, feeding tube changes, breakfasts, lunch, dinners, and our own errands with our own families.  We needed help desperately. 

It happen that at this time, Maria was attending college in Fresno and staying at our house during the week to save on gas and money and going home on weekends.  We talked to daddy and asked if it would be alright if Maria could stay with them and help us out during the evenings and weekends because we didn't want her to compromise any time with her schooling but needed help after, and she was willing to help us out too.  Momma was reluctant at first but warmed up to the idea soon after.  Maria would run to the market for them and cook dinners.  Phew, our lifesaver.  But, showers that was a whole different story, the only person momma would allow to help her out with showers, was me.  Daddy would call me to give her a shower because by this time she couldn't even stand for longer than a couple of minutes, and a shower would make her feel better and sleep better. 

Then there was the falling, momma would wake up during the night, disoriented and fall and daddy with his arm, had a hard time picking her up.  Maria would help a lot, but on nights she was gone, daddy would call asking for help and either me or David would go to the house around 1 or 2 in morning to help daddy pick her up (we live only two miles away from their house).  This was hard, not because of the picking-up, that wasn't even a problem, it was that we didn't understand why this was happening to her.  We needed to talk again to the doctors, and asked daddy if he minded we talked to him together, by this time he knew something had to be done because she still wasn't eating and started to become very combative.