Happy New Year 2011!!

It's going to be a new year and I am so ready but I miss daddy so much my heart hurts and it's an effort not to cry anymore, hoping for a better year and easier bumps ahead.  Happy New Year 2011!!

Easter in Porterville

We usually had Easter in Porterville at grandmas house; volleyball, food, and of course the Easter Egg hunt.  She raised chickens for eggs and Bar-B-Que (sometimes rabbits).  It would be an adventure before they even got on the grill.  First daddy would chase the chickens and it depended on how many were there.  I remember one year when he asked us if we wanted to know if the chickens would run without their heads.  We were game.  Yes we wanted to see.  Were in the back, grandma had a green grass yard with the volleyball net and tables, then farther back were the coops with plants of vegetables and chickens.

First thing first, daddy had to catch the chickens.  He had to be fast because grandma had them in the back but they had a big area to run around in, and they're pretty fast.  Finally he catches a few and proceeds to "chop" their heads off, holding the neck he warns us, "o.k. I'm letting them go so you could see them run."  We're screaming and running in circles along with the chickens.  I don't remember being scared, more excited, they really do run around without their heads.  Daddy laughed, we laughed, then proceeded to play volleyball with grandma and everyone else. 

The scary part for us is when they had to gut them, pluck them, then cut-up to cook.  The realization that the chickens that we saw every weekend were now going to be on our plates along with other fixings is what was scary.  I don't think Badoll ate chicken for two years.  Personally, the chicken was the best chicken I have tasted since.

The meetings

Things are getting busy.  Meetings with the social workers, oncologists for the kidney and the shoulder, gasteronologists, lab work, and then there is momma's oncologists, gasteronologist, internist, orthopaedic surgeon, and more lab work.  

With momma we usually know what's going on, daddy is a whole different story and this time we're making sure at least one of us is going with him to all of his appointments.  He tends to color coat medical information and we want to make sure there are no more surprises. One scare was enough. Daddy in his own way is still trying to protect us even at the expense of his own health.

One appointment; me, badoll, and chris, are there and the oncologist is asking him:
   Are you having pain?
   How long has the arm been bothering you?
   How do you feel?

It's like a movie, we are sitting there waiting.... with abated breath for the answers.  One of us thought we could answer for him and boy did we get the look.  Funny.

The old days

When we were kids it was definitely different and I think better in some ways for our own kids.  We didn't have the tons of toys, all the technology, and all the fears.  We lived on California Street and once a week the milkman would come and drop off glass jars of milk.  The pan dulce truck would come twice a week with trays of fresh Mexican sweet bread.  If I think about it hard enough I could smell them and taste the sugar topping of the bollilo breads.  Then there was the Library bookmobile, my favorite.  Once a week the bus would almost park between our house and Aunt Connie's and we would check out two books at a time.  I got to read all the Nancy Drew  mysteries, Gabe read all the Hardy boys and my first American classic - Little Women.  I loved that book.  Badoll read Nancy Drew too and too early for Christina yet.

I had one Barbie -versus- the twenty kids have now, not the mention the Bratz and the other Barbies, the more bustier, more ethnic.  We played outside from sunup to sundown.  Read a book instead watching TV.  But, then we have more cars, more conveniences, more techology then we know what to do with.  Too bad we couldn't mix the two, that would be great.

Preparation

Now it's time to meet with the social worker to prepare legally for the what if's.  The DNR - do not resuscitate order - it's seems so simple but there are three "what if's":
1.  If codes do not resuscitate at all (What if we had a order in place, when he coded those three times we wouldn't have a year more).
2.  If codes resusciate but do not intubate
3.  If codes resusciate and intubate if necessary.
The only thing is, there is still some sticky wording about number two.  How do we know that if they resuscitate we will need to intubate.

Then it's who has control of medical decisions if necessary after surgery.  Momma of course.  But the wording again is still unclear.  Stilll hopefull we wouldn't have to deal with the DNR.

The DNR was one of the most important decisions we (daddy and us) had to make at the end.

David's first Christmas

December 25, 1981.  Me and David were together since September and I brought him home for Christmas at our house in Tulare.  It was scary, first of all, he had never gone out with a girl who had a dad living in the home, so it would be the first time he would meet any father.  He was born and raised in a northeast neighborhood (Highland Park) in L.A., where most homes were single-parent homes, including his own.  I was nervous, but he was scared.  Gabe picked us up from Greyhound and took us home to the Auburn St. house.  It's Christmas Eve and we had aunts and uncles over from both sides.  Uncle Johnny, Aunt Pauline, Uncle Jessie, Uncle Stephen, Uncle Michael, Uncle Johnny (Torrance), Uncle Ruben, Aunt Patty, and some more I don't remember.  I walked in and daddy came right over, shook his hand, introduced himself, and introduced him to everyone else.  I knew things would be o.k., daddy looked sometimes intimidating, but was always welcoming and most times did not predetermine or pre-judge you.  It was usually a wait and see.  At the end, Daddy had become the father David never had and David most admired that daddy never judged him but accepted him with all his characteristics; good or bad. He misses daddy and his funny fix-its and philosophies.

September Reunions

 It was decided to have a family gathering in September, Uncle Johnny passed away the beginning of May so the original 2009 summer reunion was cancelled, Uncle Juan passed away in November and the Christmas 2008 party was cancelled.  It was time to get together again.  It was potluck at Mooney's Grove with food, volleyball, and family, it was great.  But it also happen to be the same date of the Porterville family and friends yearly Filipino reunion and this year we were going to that too.  Daddy love to gather with friends and family and it was going to be a all day'er.  He was good to drive to Tulare, then half-way to Porterville.  David drove the rest of the way and back.  It would be the first time the kids would have "lechon".  Pig roasted on a spit.  WHOLE pig.  It was a sight, the pig was presented on a large cutting board with the apple in the mouth.  There was white rice and spanish rice, Filipino dishes mixed with the Mexican dishes.  They were school year friends and family of my moms, half-Filipino, half-Mexican.  Our Aunt Thencha was their sisters, the only one who married an "American of Mexican descent," boy was her mom upset.  Aunt Thencha has since passed but her mother was there, Socorro, she must be almost a hundred. Onry as ever.  The kids tasted some of the 'hardcore' Filipino dishes, which to this day they don't know that the black noodles dish was black because it's cooked in the blood of the pig.  Gross.  I tasted it and thought it tasted weird,  good but weird.  The kids had about three plates, I didn't have the heart to tell them what they were eating.  Esther went to town with the pig skin, it's like a crispy flat chicharone.  Daddy danced a cumbia with Christina.  We had a long, good, but tiring day.  Today we were not going to think about what was ahead.

Christmas Poem

You may have thought we didn't see,
Or that we hadn't heard,
Life lessons that you taught to us,
But we got every word.

Perhaps you thought we missed it all,
And that we'd grow apart,
But Daddy, we picked up everything,
It's forever written on our hearts.

Without you, Daddy, we wouldn't be
who we are today;
You set a strong foundation,
no one can take away.

We've grown up with your values,
And we're very glad we did;
So here's to you, daddy,
your forever grateful kids.

Merry Christmas Daddy!

Coming home

Daddy is home now and resting.  I think he's starting to get "itchy," he wasn't a person to sit too long.  Pretty soon he was doing yardwork.  Samuel and David would help with the mowing while daddy did the edging.  Carlos and Maria would be coming on the weekends to do the heavy yardwork.  Daddy since I can remember always kept his yard nice, trimmed and GREEN with plenty of seasonal flowers.  He was proud of how he would get the perrenials at OSH and when they died return them and get more free ones to re-plant.  He had his system set. 

The picture is actually in September, my camera calendar was wrong date.

Momma asked Maria and Carlos to put the patio table and chairs in the front so visitors (neighbors, us and others) could sit in front with him and talk.  Daddy knew all the neighbors and loved to see everything going on.  He like to go to the mall with momma just to people watch.  Except one time when he bought new tennis shoes, set them down at the snack area where someone grabbed the bag and ran, but he went back to the shoe store told them what happen and ended up with another new pair of shoes.  He loved to tell that story.

Christmastime

Momma said they never really had Christmases like everyone does now, no one had money and there were so many of them,for momma their gifts were homemade, for daddy it was another day, he use to joke that the reason they made tamales was to have something to open on Christmas Day.  He never complained because you can't miss what you didn't have, he was happy just being with family.  But, when momma and daddy got married they like all of us want to "up" things for their own kids.  When I was little, really little, 1,2, 3 til about 7 years we got the tree, the presents, the food and of course tamales -- the "biggie" was that daddy would rent a Santa suit and dress up for us and give us our presents, I wonder if anyone knew he did that stuff. 

For my first year birthday he made the pinanta himself, using a balloon, paste, paper, and paint.  I wish they had video cams, web cams, digital cameras then.

Later, with us and the grandchildren, we had the kids wear red pajamas, momma and daddy wore red and took pictures in front of the Christmas tree with all the wrapping paper around them and smiles.

Results

The results are in.  Chris and Gabe call us in - they're positive it's malignant cancer and terminal - 6 to 8 months.  Unbelievable.  In the back of my mind I kept thinking maybe this will be something to take out and we're done.  Go home and back to regular stuff. 

Not this time.  Now it's the oncologist; one for the kidney and one for the shoulder.  Radiology or chemotherapy, surgery.  The biggest hurdle was the kidney, they were worried that if it was spread it wouldn't make a difference whether we took out or not.  As much as daddy was scared he was going to do whatever he could to fight the cancer.  He would be that small percentage that would win the battle. 

In the end he was winning the cancer battle, it was all the other stuff that got in the way.

Christmas 2009

I think we all knew it would be our last Christmas with daddy.  We had it at my house, decorated, tons of food, and all the grandchildren taking plenty of pictures.  Momma was tired and went home early, we did our Christmas singing and the grandkids played checkers with daddy.  He beat them all.  The rest of us had a brutal game of scrabble; me, badoll, chris, and aunt connie. 

2010 -- We'll have the food, the singing, and the games and a new Christmas without daddy.  I'll miss the singing with daddy and the competitive checker games, but we'll keep the promise of staying together as a family no matter what comes our way.  Love and miss you daddy.

Thanksgiving Weekend 2010

No blogging all weekend - It's been a tough weekend.  First Thanksgiving without daddy, got use to hearing the "let's eat!!" after prayer. 

Thanksgiving 2010

Already chopping celery and onion.  Good thing I have the onion to hide the crying. 

Yesterday we took daddy some oranges.  Feel like the Budhists with the food and givings, but ever since I moved here I've had orange trees and every year he would eat them like candy.  Wanted to keep the cold and flu away, ...he was also convinced if he ate enough chili it would keep the cancer away too.  After we left, Samuel wanted to know what would happen if a homeless ate the oranges, "Well, if he eats them, he'll enjoy them for grandpa."

Well were going to have all the fixings for Thanksgiving, momma wanted it at their home this year, it's going to be tough, the first time without daddy in 50 years.  But, again, we'll be together as a family and that's what important.  Daddy always wanted us to be sure we stayed together as a family no matter what and that's what we're going to do, plus eat a lot of food. 

Gotta take our stretchy pants today!

Thanksgiving 2009

It's a good day, Daddy has had his cancerous kidney removed and made it through the surgery.  He's started the chemo but it's in the pill form - expensive medicine - the side effects are a mile long.  Right now his bones are hurting, he's tired, and starting to get blisters in his mouth.  But today we're all together and that's whats important, plus all the good food helps too.

My first fight

On California street we were the last block before the railroad tracks.  Railroad tracks we crossed every morning to cut across to get to Maple School faster or otherwise we had to go around through San Joaquin then B street to Maple.  The tracks were faster, especially when your being chased.  The last house on the block across from us before the tracks were a family of girls.  Tall, muscular, black girls who were very athletic and intimidating.  We would try to run as fast as we could to pass them.  If caught they would grab us and take our lunch money.  Scary.  Then after school we would run home.  We told momma and daddy; first they tried to talk to their parents, and of course they would talk to their daughters.  Well that lasted a couple of days.  Again momma talk to their mom, momma didn't want her girls fighting because girls don't fight.  Well after many days of crying and pleading daddy about had it.  This was the drill as we were told by daddy, "you run as fast as you can, grab some rocks and hit them, then they'll leave you alone."  Momma still persisted, "no fighting," but daddy insisted, "you want to be left alone this is what you need to do."  We wanted to be left alone.  It worked.  They cried, we stared dumbfounded, then we walked to school together.

Admit!

Well by now he has been admitted.  Rubber rings around his esophagus, seven pints of blood later he's feeling tired but alive.  We've made it over the first bump.  I'm back to school and work and trying to absorb what's happening or going to happen.  The doctor has found a tumor (the infamous bursitis) on his right shoulder and is worried because it broke the bone and is pretty big.  Now it's ultrasounds, MRI's, x-rays, and more blood for the blood tests.  The waiting is the worst.

Our first bikes

When I was about seven we all got bikes.  I think they were bikes made from different parts because they were multicolored, but we didn't care they were bikes.  Anyway that was the easy part, the hard part was learning to ride them.  Daddy had this trick, he would run along side us holding the back, and promised he would stay behind us.  Next thing you know, we turn around and he's standing behind with a big smile because we were riding it on our own.  Of course when we realized he wasn't there anymore our handlebars were swerving and we were swerving then, "crash" onto the pavement.  We did'nt get hurt much and he had us get back on the bike a few times, and in a couple days we were pros at it.  Forty years later I'm using the same trick on my son, only I did it on grass.

FYI - a few years later we all got nice new bikes - three weeks after they were stolen from some kids down the street.  Daddy went to the house and took them back.  We got them back, but of course we had to add parts and we were back to the multicolored bikes.

The Hospital Stay

Now they've admitted daddy in the hospital for more tests.  For months his arm had been hurting.  We kept telling him, "daddy you need to get that checked."  Two weeks before he went to the hospital they proceeded to tell him it was bursitis and gave him a cortisone shot to help with the pain.  I'm not sure if they x-rayed.  He said they did but it was in the hospital that we found out that he had a tumor that had grown so large around his ball joint/shoulder area on the right side that it literally broke the upper-arm bone in half.  A few days before the bleeding he was holding his arm with his left hand.  It hurt so bad but he took their word that it was bursitis and would clear up soon.  There was no reason for us to think otherwise.

Chevy 1966 Supersport

We had a white Chevy 1966 Supersport - I loved that car.  Daddy would drive and I would sit in the back behind him on my knees leaning on the seat.  We didn't have to use seatbelts then, but it usually was just around town, going from home to grandmas, or home to aunt Connies.  The interior was blue, not a dark blue but a light blue.  I don't think it was leather, probably synthetic plastic, but the seams were horizontal.  The four of us would fit in the back and the front was two seats with the console in the middle.  I would ask daddy, "when I grow up, can I have this car daddy?"  He would just smile and nod.  Later, daddy sold it and bought a 1975 burgundy red two-door Cordoba Chrysler - it was so sharp I forgot I wanted the Chevy.

After the drama

After things had settled down in the emergency room, we called his sisters and brothers.  It had been too soon after our uncle died in May 2009 so we were all nervous.  I had one sister visiting in San Jose and a brother living in San Bernarndino, Badoll and momma were already there.  Time to call in the troops.  I still didn't want to say to come 'cause to say come was to admit something was really wrong. 

Daddy had a hard time after his brother passed and when he got sick, he was convinced he would be next - this was what it was all about.  Even the doctor said to talk to him because he had a "fatalistic" view of the world right now.  Daddy called us in one at a time to tell us where things were just in case.  Including myself.  I was in the lobby doing what I normally do.  Visiting and thinking,  "it's all going to be o.k."  We'll be home in a couple of days and it will just be another day in our life.  Daddy will be back to his being our daddy.  I couldn't let him go yet and God wasn't going to take him from us.....yet.

1950s

Daniel, Steve Cuellar, Alfie, Daddy "Blinky", and Manuel "Mucket"

The first car club in Tulare, California was started by my dad and his buddies.  Of course he was the only one with the car, there was; Blinky, Bird, Mucket, Moose, and there was Clutch, and some others I don't remember now.  Maybe later.  They still meet every second Thursday of the month 55+ years later.  Daddy went the last time in May 2010.

FYI daddy is the one slouched over - the class clown...

The beginning of the end

July 16, 2009 I got the call that would change everything we were use to.  Momma called while me and my daughter were at the library, "your daddy's not doing good, you need to come quick!"  If daddy was sick it was not good at all - he never really got sick or if he did he wouldn't say - but for him to say so it wasn't good.  "Call 911, I'll be right there!"  We quickly turned around and went to the house,  when I walked in to the bedroom he was sitting on the edge of the bed rubbing his head.  The ambulance shows up, I was worried they would think we were just calling for something minor,  I had to tell them, if daddy sick he's really sick.  When we pulled the blankets back - there were globs of blood, we didn't know it then but he was literally bleeding out.  They rushed him to the ambulance and we rushed to our car to the hospital.  They flew down Fowler and we took the freeway.  He coded in the ambulance, in the emergency room and again when we got there.  We knew none of this yet.

California Street

We lived in this old two bedroom with a Dick and Jane Bathroom, service porch, LR and DR and a huge backyard.  In the front we had a big porch and down the steps a walnut tree we would climb and throw walnuts to the kids walking by.  I don't know if they knew where they were coming from, but it was fun.  Our next door neighbor was our aunt and uncle and six cousins.  On the other side was a old black couple with a son who had a drinking problem and would periodically be gone on binges.  She was the nicest lady.  We would walk home from school and she'd stop us to give us some homemade oatmeal cookies and cold milk.  Those were the days when it wasn't wrong to go into the neighbors and enjoy their time.  One summer, and they were hot 115 degree summers, we were asleep in our bed (me and my sister), my brother slept in the bed next to us, and the baby in the room with momma and daddy.  Anyway, me and Badoll were asleep with the window open.  During the night she started screaming that someone had reached in and touched her face, by the time daddy had ran into the room through the bathroom, whoever it was, was gone.  I was convinced she was making it up so I told her we could trade tonight, then I could prove she was making it up.  So it's  nighttime and of course she's screaming again.  He had literally reached through the window across my face and touched her again on the face.  When I open my eyes I saw a long skinny black arm across my face and this time daddy made it across the bathroom and grabbed his arm.  It was the neighbors son.  My dad spoke to them,  We never did see him again.  It was very sad for the mom and dad, but we were able to sleep through the night again.

First day blogging

I thought it would be cool to blog about my dad, he just passed and the old phrase, "it gets easier as time goes by,"  NOT.  He was known as "Blinky" because he refuse to wear his glasses and he would blink a lot!
I've never done this so I'll see how it goes from here. bye for now.