1 year later

Today is one year since daddy's death and sometimes it still feels surreal.  I keep thinking I'll drive up to the house and he'll either be outside people watching or inside watching Judge Judy and all those people.  He love to watch those court shows, court tv, and CNN news all....day...   We miss you daddy, miss your quick wit that the grandkids inheritied and the patience we all try to instill in them, and the apathy of others we try to practice.  Thank you daddy.

Changes

For the past three weeks daddy's legs had gotten swollen and the skin really tight.  They also had a shine and a discoloring to them.  When we would take him to the doctor it was water retention but what daddy didn't tell us was that they were also in a lot of pain.  His walking was becoming slower and when one of us would take him to the doctor's he would sit down then one of us (sometimes even Samuel) would have to lift his legs into the car.  Daddy figured that once the chemo was done his legs would get better.  They had just told him that it look like the chemo was working and he may go into remission.  We were excited about this prognosis.

Winnemucca

We were on the road by 530am and our first stop would be a bathroom stop before Reno then we would stop in Winnemucca at a park outside of town for lunch.  Daddy knew the rest stop and where the park was, even momma was giving directions by this time.  In the morning while packing we took the walker and wheelchair for daddy.  He insisted he didn't need the wheelchair but we snuck it in to the back of Badoll's truck anyway, just in case.  When we got to the park at Winnemucca we unloaded all the lunch food and drinks and daddy got off the car but by now had to use the walker all the time.  I remember we were all set-up and daddy had to go to the restroom and we were all sitting down to eat.  When he came out he asked us if there was an earthquake because the bathroom shook, or maybe one of the kids was hitting the walls.  We just laughed and didn't think anything of it.  It was not till after when we research the signs of pneumonia did we see that one of the first signs was the body shaking.  We had no idea, maybe daddy did but didn't tell us.  Anyway after lunch he started back to the car with the walker and as he was getting in he almost fell over and caught himself in time with the door.  We were up the hill watching, "helpless" a feeling we would have for the rest of the trip.  Back into the car to our next stop, only after Winnemucca there is a big spread of nowhere!  We were literally in the middle of nowhere for about two hours.  No phone receptionm, gas stations, people.  There was nothing.  Again we stopped somewhere in Oregon for gas, daddy seemed alright, a little tired and quiet but still eating and alert.

On our Way

We again asked daddy the night before we left, July 1, 2010, "are you sure daddy, we can still cancel?"  No, I'll be up at 4am so we can leave by 5am.  He had calculated how many times we would stop and where and how many hours it would take for us to get to Aunt Alex's.  He caluculated that we should be there by 7 to 8pm that evening.  Badoll was travelling in her truck and needed to stop by my house to pick up some things from my house first then we would follow each other to mommas.  It was Badoll, Carlos, Adrianne, Priscilla, and Issac.  David had to work so it would be me, Esther and Samuel, and the night before I picked up momma and daddy's Chrsyler 300, I would be driving their car.  Badoll had four crates of peaches and nectarines to take plus all the clothes and other necessities.  We followed each other to momma and daddy's and drove up at 4am!  Daddy was already dressed packed and waiting for us outside sitting in the chair, waiting.  Sighing up a storm because momma, of course, was inside still packing her humungous bags/suitcases.  We almost couldn't fit all her bags.  Maria was staying at the house to watch their house and new dog Toby.  We were planning to leave July 2 and be back on the 7th.  We figured one day travel over, three days at Aunties, and one day at Reno, and one day travel back.  The seating arrangements were me driving, daddy passenger, and momma and Priscilla in the back.  In Badolls, it was Badoll and all the other kids, and we were meeting Christina, Gadiel and kids at Kleins on Herndon and 99.  Where again the seating was mixed again, Christina had Ellissa, Samuel, and Issac.  Badoll had Carlos, Adrianne, Bethany, and Esther.  We were set and our way.

Sunflowers

Daddy loved sunflowers, when Esther was a baby he would sing to her,

"You Are My Sunshine

My only sunshine.

You make me happy

When skies are grey.

You'll never know, dear,

How much I love you.

Please don't take my sunshine away"

That's what the kids meant to him.....

Idaho

I don't remember much about coming home from Idaho when I was eleven but I sure remember the trip in July 2010.  We kept talking to daddy about postponing the trip or cancelling but he was insistent and momma was better and actually excited about it (although she doesn't remember that now).  I think momma was just excited about getting out but still felt like the rest of us, that it wasn't a good idea for daddy to travel.  The past few weeks he wasn't able to drive or do as much as he use to.  One day he had decided he was going to get the mustang ready for a car show so he pushed the car out of the garage and decided he was going to change the spark plugs.  He placed a chair next to the mustang and tried to remove the spark plugs in the car but his hands weren't able to get into those tight spots and he didn't have the mobility like he did before.  I drove up and you could tell he was getting fustrated and angrier by the minute.  Momma was at the door when I walked in and told me that it was hard watching daddy because she knew he was getting upset about it.  It was just the whole thing.  His right arm had no more mobility.  His hands were swollen and he had no strength or energy to do what he wanted and that made him sad and quieter by the day.  The only thing that gave him any excitement was the trip to Idaho.  I think we knew it wasn't too much longer so we just went along with it.  We also figured that if this was it, we were going to do whatever it was he wanted most right now, and that was taking us to Idaho and giving the grandkids the memory.  I know this because on the last day before we left Idaho the kids were playing by the river and I was standing next to daddy while he was in the wheelchair and he asked me, "do you think they'll remember this trip?"  I remember what I told him verbatim, "yea daddy, they'll never forget this time, except for Issac because he's only five, but all the rest of the kids will remember it always daddy."  He just gave a big grin and kept watching the kids.  That's when I figured out why he wanted this so bad.  He knew, I don't think he knew he wouldn't make it back, but he knew he wouldn't be too much longer.

Teddy

I forgot, but momma and daddy had this big hairy fluffy dog, Teddy.  He was a bearded collie and the most loyal dog you can ever know.  He was daddy's dog and daddy wasn't a big dog person.  It's important to mention because during the time daddy got sick, we didn't know, but Teddy had also gotten cancer.  We didn't know it at the time but he was in a lot of pain.  When daddy got out of surgery he would stand in front of daddy while he was getting out of bed and in the bathroom so that he could hold on to or stop him from falling.  He also use to do the same thing for momma when she went to the restroom or walk around the house.  he was so tall and had this large wide flat back that they could lean onto.  Anyway, soon after daddy got out from his kidney surgery, Teddy wasn't doing too good, by now he was 13 years old.  They took him to the vet and found out he had cancer and probably for a while.  We always felt Teddy stayed alive as long as he could to take care of them.  About three weeks after daddy got out, momma and daddy had decided we could take him to SPCA to put him to sleep, so we all went to the house.  Momma and daddy couldn't do it, too hard, so Gadiel and Maria carried Teddy into the car (by now he couldn't walk anymore), I drove, Christina passenger, and Maria in back with Teddy laying his head on her.  On the Way he took this big breath and then he was gone.  We all heard it and pretty much knew what it meant, but it was confirmed when Maria yelled, "Stupid dog" and started to cry.  We were not more than a mile from the house.  We called daddy and momma and told them.  Daddy missed him a lot and always talked about him til he was gone.  We have Teddy engraved on the stone with a forest background.

Graduation 2010

Me and Chris had finally finished school at Fresno State and could march in May 2010.  Christina kept saying she wasn't going to walk but Gabriel said walk and I'll pay for a BBQ - It is a big deal and we should celebrate it!  So it was set-up, we invited the aunts and uncles and our godparents to the celebration at Christina's house.  There were two ceremonies, the smaller one with our department and then the large one in the Save-Mart Center for the whole 2010 graduating class, it was huge.  When we went to the smaller one momma and daddy went to the luncheon then the ceremony in the department smaller one in the Save-Mart Center.  Today daddy was just wearing regular clothes but he had his suit cleaned and him and momma were ready for the big one the next day. 

It's finally Saturday May 22, 2010 and daddy and momma were dressed.  It was hard because we had momma in a wheelchair and daddy in his suit that one year ago he was squeezing into and now he could drown in the suit it was so big on him but he was determined to go dressed to the graduation.  We were on the bottom and they were all there watching.  We finally found them on the top bottom level set-up for handicap.  It was hard when they had asked everyone to stand for the anthem and daddy could barely rise but he got up and stayed up during the whole song.  Then later he got up again when they asked all the parents of the graduates to rise and honor their accomplishments.  Me and Christina were watching and crying as daddy stood up with all the others, very proud, of his two new graduates.

Later at the BBQ he made a speech to the four of us telling us how proud he was to be our father and proud that all of his children have done very well, for himself, he said he always regretted he never finished school and happy that he could see all his children finish.  It was a big day for all of us.